Kavanaugh Must Die!
by Altera Nova
Summary: Series of oneshots and short stories of how Kavanaugh dies in painful embarassing ways. Please review, constructive criticism okay.
1. Drowning is not a good way to go

_**EVS: -** I got bored so I began writing this series of one-shots to relieve it. Holidays get boring without something creative to do……… like making my own charcoal._

_**Shard: -** And so we start with the ever needed disclaimer. Errant does not and will probably never own Stargate: Atlantis._

_**EVS: -** On to it then!_

_!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()_

_**Kavanaugh Must Die!**_

_Drowning is a peaceful way of dying for all except the drowned._

"No no no no no no no! Take it easy with that you idiots!" Kavanaugh yelled at the poor noobs carrying the mysterious Ancient device. Despite the fact the noobs were carefully carrying it to the labs; Kavanaugh was torturing them with his horrible screeching voice. During one very short rest break the noobs were granted by Kavanaugh, one of the noobs contacted a fellow who organised a trap near on one of balconies the noobs were due to past very soon.

Once they got close to the balcony, Kavanaugh tried to bustle them along faster when a noob retorted,

"If you're so concerned about a little device like this, why don't you carry it instead of getting us to carry it?"

Kavanaugh growled, "If you came to Atlantis to admire the sunsets, instead of trying to understand an ancient civilisation then you shouldn't be here. If so give me that!" Kavanaugh snatched the device from the noobs and immediately slipped and fell off the balcony, plunging into the water below. The trap had consisted of a wet floor that Kavanaugh, who had become seriously arrogant since the arrival Daedalus, would ignore. He sank quickly due to the weight of the device, cursing himself for not taking swimming lessons when a mechanism on the device was activated and an inflatable dingy appeared underneath it. Kavanaugh made a grab at the dingy but it made its way to the surface to quickly. In the end, Kavanaugh resigned himself to sinking.

_Meanwhile on the balcony._

"Do you think we should go after him?" One of the noobs asked.

"Let's wait an hour. If he's not up by then we'll tell Weir." The other said. "I'm hungry. Go to the mess hall?"

"Sure." The noobs left the balcony. In a later report, Elisabeth told Stargate Command Kavanaugh disappeared on a mission on an uninhabited planet. The device turned out to be a floating drinks machine.

Fin

!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()

_**EVS: -** Hate it or love it please review._

_**Shard: -** Any suggestions for deaths would be appreciated._


	2. Pushing little red buttons Bad idea!

_**EVS:-** And here's another story!_

_**Shard:- **And we forgot the disclaimer. We don't own it. End of discussion._

_Story 2_

_**Why you shouldn't push the little red button... Unless you want to sacrifice yourself for those that hate you.**_

Kavanaugh looked at the ancient device. It was a shiny, black tube with chrome designs with a red button on one end. Pointing the device outward he pushed the button. Scarlet light shot out towards him, piercing him through the heart and went upwards.

"Dammit!"

_Later on….._

"Uh McKay have you seen my lightsaber?"

"Would it be this Sheppard?" McKay held out the device.

"Yep. Where was it?"

"Kavanaugh found it. Miko found him dead with it in his hand. He was split like a banana. I found Miko dancing happily around his remains. Turns out before his hand came off the button it cut into a basement unearthing a ZedPM. "

"Well it's not a waste of time building it then was it?"

Fin.

_**EVS:-** Now push the purple button. A purple beam of light won't come out, I promise._


	3. Stampedes are fun!

_**EVS:-** I'm getting through these. Slowly._

_**Shard:-** You're just lazy._

_**EVS:-** I procrastinate. There's a difference._

_**Shard:-** 'sigh' Anywho on with the show._

!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()

Story 3

**Don't Be Afraid of Kavanaughs bearing gifts Trample Them.**

John rubbed his temple. Kavanaugh's non-stop whining drove Elisabeth up the wall, John was in close pursuit now. They arrived on the planet and his whining increased ten-fold. The team came within eyeshot of the village when John shoved a large package covered in brown paper decorated in happy faces.

"You have the honour of presenting this to the chief of the village. Don't mess it up." John grumbled.

"But it's _heavy_!" Kavanaugh whinged.

"These people admire very smart, very strong guys."

"You think I'm smart?" Kavanaugh went all misty eyed for a moment.

"Yeah we think you're 'smart'." McKay replied. "_Not_." He muttered quietly.

They approached the village and a small group of children ran out who were extremely excited to see Kavanaugh who was wincing with every step he took, his arms were visibly rubberising under the weight of the package. Teyla waved to the children, telling them to wait until the team visited the chief.

A couple of minutes later they arrived at the chief's house. A crowd of children looked expectantly at the package while Kavanaugh waited.

Teyla then called out, "Chocolate!!" The children charged at Kavanaugh trampling him in their quest to obtain the chocolate. The team waited until the horde of chocolate-fuelled children dispersed leaving a mangled Kavanaugh in their wake. Rodney chucked a power bar on to Kavanaugh when he groaned and a dozen children stampeded his way. There was an audible crack as the chief stood on Kavanaugh.

"Got anymore power bars?"

!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()


	4. Ball Bearings vs MRI

_**EVS:-** Decided to treat you all. by doing three postings 2 for this series. 1 for my other SGA fic "The Others."_

_**Shard:-** And keep reviewing please._

_!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()_

Edible Silver Ball Bearings vs. MRI

Carson ignored the incessant whinging of the scientist as he prepped him for an MRI scan.

"It's too cold."

"Then stop whinging, the sooner it's done the sooner you'll get warm."

"How long is it going to take?"

"About forty five minutes."

"Fine but if my experiment goes wrong you're cleaning it up." Kavanaugh lay down and immediately began to fidget.

"Stay still otherwise it will take longer." Carson activated the machine. After a few minutes he heard a banging on the door. Leaving Kavanaugh in the machine he went outside and found one of the chefs.

"Uh Carson-" the chef began but a scream interrupted them. Carson turned off the MRI when he saw blood drip from inside it. Looking inside he saw Kavanaugh now sported a large hole in his stomach.

"I'm guessing it had something to do with the cakes in the mess hall today?"

"Yeah the geologists' ball bearing order got mixed up with our cachous order. I came to warn you not to do any MRI's for the next few days. I'm guessing I'm too late?"

"No lass you're just on time. Any earlier and I would've had to put up with him complaining about how everyone is trying to kill him."

The chef peeked inside again then grabbed Carson and began to dance with him around the room.

"He's been complaining more than Rodney about the food. He dissed my special carrot cake and the turkey at Thanksgiving and the chocolate chip cookies."

"Then he didn't deserve to live lass. That cake was almost as good as my mother's."

"_Almost_, Carson?"

"Well I'm not one to insult my own mother." Carson shrugged.

The Chef shook her head then skipped out of the room.

Kavanaugh's death wasn't reported until the next SGA team went off-world and ended up under fire. From small round shrapnel.

Fin.

_!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()_

_**EVS:-** I need reviews coz I am currently friendless._


	5. Flight of the Hummingbirds

_**Nightside Guardian: -**__ Errant here. I changed my name and here's another story!_

_**Shard: - **__Errant apologises for the wait but her computer crapped out for the umpteenth time_

_**NG: -**__ I thank my buddy Jonathan for the MRI idea from the last story as well as for this idea. A freshly baked apple pie goes out to him, and cookies to all who reviewed._

_**Shard: - **__So without further ado. Here's the story!!_

**Flight of the Hummingbirds**

The time had come around for the annual scientist off world trip to a mystery planet and everyone, except a particular, annoying, much disliked scientist, was excited, even McKay after he was assured that the soldiers and the scientists who would remain on Atlantis, Radek was included in this group, would not touch anything in the labs or destroy the city. The aforementioned annoying, much disliked scientist grumbled about the trip, mentioning that his experiments wouldn't survive without him until a number of scientists, who wanted to prank him on the trip and lose him somewhere on the planet, finished the experiment, making him more irritable than ever.

On the mystery planet, which turned out to be an inhabited planet that Teyla and Sheppard had suggested for it's friendly natives, long, sandy beaches, and amazing blue oceans, the thrilled majority of scientists eagerly set up camp or visited the village to obtain souvenirs.

Kavanaugh, on the other hand was extremely displeased. He had already been the victim of a bedroll that refused to unroll (the botanists had superglued it shut), socks that had made him itch (the anthropologists idea), bootlaces tied together (the zoologists) and falling into a hole in the sand left by the astrophysicists who swore they used the displaced sand to make a sandcastle that was immediately washed away by the tide. Now he had to suffer demented whistling coming from the opposite side of the camp. _Am I not permitted to brood in complete silence? _Kavanaugh stomped to over to where the demented whistling came from. He found a mixed group of scientists and natives watching Katie Brown play a roughly carved flute as hummingbird-like creatures fluttered around her.

"Will you lot go annoy someone else? Can't a person brood around here without having to put up with everyone having a good time very loudly?" He demanded.

Katie Brown who had been concentrating on playing the weird tune dropped the flute on to her lap. The hummingbirds ceased to fly around her head and rose up into the trees.

"Give me that!" Kavanaugh snatched the flute. "That's not how you play." He raised the flute to his lips. "This is how!" He began playing 'Fight of the Bumblebee'

The hummingbirds immediately changed direction and flew at Kavanaugh's face, sharp beaks tearing chunks of flesh from his face and hands, more joining every second, a swirling blue and red mass. Minutes later, the hummingbirds left and all that remained of Kavanaugh was a skeleton.

Villagers and scientists alike cheered, except for the astrophysicists.

"What's wrong Rodney?" Katie Brown asked.

"We didn't get to perform our prank." Rodney pouted and the astrophysicists sulked for the rest of the holiday.

Fin

_**NG: -**__ okay that's one story idea finally out and published_

_**Shard: -**__ reviews please!!_


End file.
